Okay

"How can you let them go?  My ex is awful, I wouldn't 'make' my kids go over there.  I can't believe you let them go."  Really?  Maybe because I love my kids.  My kids love their dad.  I let them see him as often as is possible for them and him.  He's just being a dad.  There is no evil going on.  They hang out.  Sometimes they play board games.  I more often than not get pictures of them all (including said father) having a good time doing this or that.  Guess what?  It also gives me a break, making me a better mom. 

My ex husband and I are adults.  We put our kids first.  A good chunk of the time I am over there, too.  Our visitation decree is no longer enforceable since we've both moved out of that state and not done anything in the new one.  Are we worried?  Nope.  Again, grown ups.  The kids come first.  I get that some parents are abusive.  That's a whole different situation.  If you simple don't like your ex, or you're hella bitter, get over yourself.  It's so much less stressful to just roll with it.  I have full custody of my kids.  The only time they haven't been able to see their dad is during illness, bad weather, or there was something important going on.  My kids are better off because of our arrangement, and we are happier parents.  Go figure.

I'm sad about the burning of Notre Dame.  I had a friend get bitchy because people of money donated a bunch for restoration.  He thinks insurance and the Pope should cover it, and that money should go to the poor.  Well, okay.  Nobody made them donate.  They decided it was a worthy cause.  I don't however, believe that the money should be side tracked for the poor.  For two reasons, actually.  1) that isn't where the donator wanted the money to go.  Pretty sure wealthy people already help the poor.  2) donations like that rarely actually go to said poor.  The only way to be sure that happens is to physically hand it to a poor person.  I don't see said friend doing that.  So, should I ever win the lottery, I'll donate in his name rather than give him any.  That's what is right, right?  I don't believe that you should tell people where their money has to go just because they have more than you do.  And yes, they actually DO pay their "fair share" in taxes.  They get the same right offs that everybody else gets.  Their tax bracket is higher.  They also put way mire money into the economy.  Stop being angry about your lack and do something about it. 

What are the signs of past stroke?  I am having serious memory issues as of late.  It's really starting to scare me a little.  Grasping for words.  I've also noticed that on my worst memory days I wake up exceptionally exhausted.  Not really sleepy, just exhausted.  Maybe I'm stressed.  I don't think things are any more hectic than normal.  This is when I wish my primary care person gave a damn.  I've learned recently that, having had a borderline cancerous tumor removed, I should have had a full body scan to make sure it hadn't spread.  Those borderline ones are sneaky bastards.  Good times, right?  Ugh.

The weather is back to warm, so I'm happy.  Soon it will be hot, and I'm not good with that.  Hence me enjoying this while I can.  Yay! 

So what is everybody doing for Easter?  Staying safe and...?  Let me know!

Sheesh

Never let the Universe know you are in a hurry.  Seriously.  Don't do it.  Ever.  Know how I know?  Let's see, I was running 10 minutes late for work.  The phone rang.  It was CancerCare wanting to set up my 6 month blood work and doctor visit.  In JULY.  Okay.  Made that appointment (and darn, I'll have to take a day off of work because I added it to a day with other appointments) and take off out the door.  Traffic was decent, so at least there was that. I get to work and realize that I forgot my badge.  Through security I go.  Waiting in there is a charter bus full of people taking a tour of the facility.  I have to wait until they get situated.  The weird part is I still was set up and ready to go on time.  Thankfully I didn't freak, but wow.

A very dear friend of mine passed away last year.  Her house is now on the market.  Two points: 1) it's in a decent neighborhood, 2) it's tiny as hell.  My issues with it being small are short lived.  Eventually my kids will move out.  It would be perfect for me at that point.  I want to go look inside.  It has attic storage, but you never know, maybe it can be made into a bedroom.  There is also basement space.  I should just make the appointment.  What would you do? 

Happy Spring (Finally)

It has been amazingly beautiful outside. I don't say that often, as it generally to weathery outside for me.  I would love to sit and enjoy a good day, but I either get too hot or too cold.  Then there are the bugs.  Don't even get me started in what happens to me if I get in the sun.  But lately it's been enjoyable out. I wish it could stay like this.  Living in the midwest means it's going to eventually go sideways, which makes me sad.  Oh well.

I'm taking applications for a significant other.  Yeah, I'm only sort of joking about that.  I've been single almost my whole life.  Yes, I was married for 8 years, but it turns out that he was only pretending, so not really.  Anyway, I deserve to be happily coupled up.  I am ready and willing!  Send me your resume.  Or, you know, talk to me.  Whatever happened to that?  Maybe I'm just old. 

My body is not so politely telling me that I am spreading myself too thin.  My priorities have been everybody else, and I'm starting to pay for it.  So. Very. Tired.  If I could just get it through the heads of those around me that I'm not the whipping boy...  Even I couldn't get through that one.  Seriously, I'm considering running away to a secluded locale.  Just me and my bed, coffee, pajamas, and some crafts.  Wow, now I need a vacation.

Speaking of vacations, I need ideas.  The girls and I need stuff to do this summer.  I would like it to be fun but not really expensive.  That's mostly so we can do more than one thing, though I'm not against a big trip.  What have done that isn't an amusement park or water park?  I don't do roller coasters or things that put me in direct sunlight (I am so not kidding when I say it hurts me physically - instant sunburn is not my thing).  I'm thinking about a short Amtrak tour.  The train is always interesting.  Ideas, people!  I need ideas!

Well, I should get to work.  People aren't going to massage themselves.  Well, maybe, but I won't get paid for it.  Have a good one!

So Much Frustration

My oldest teen turned 15 yesterday.  That's one hell of a ball of angst, let me tell you.  She has so much attitude that I'm almost certain that the astronauts on the space station can see it. It's very difficult to live with.

Said 15 year old has decided that homework sucks.  Not so unusual.  She is, therefore, not going to do it.  I know, that isn't really all that unusual, either.  Since like November.  I had to sit in a two hour school meeting over this.  Not a happy mom at all.  So this term paper rough draft is due tomorrow.  She had to do a bibliography that took her several hours.  She also has to have five quotes in there.  After something like six hours, she has 1.  I told her to come back to the quotes, start the paper.  It's been 3 1/2 hours and she has something like two paragraphs.  Out of an 8 page paper.  I just don't get it.  There are no learning issues to deal with, so that isn't it.  The teen just simply doesn't want to do it.  I hate to inform her highness, but it has yo be done by tomorrow.  She blew it off, so that's on her.  Why am I so stressed about it?

I have taken on way too much crap.  There are so many people in my life that are taking advantage of me. It just isn't doable anymore.  Seriously, it's taking a toll on my mental and physical health.  I'm having panic attacks worrying about who will want me to do something more for them.  These grown ass adults need to learn how to take care of themselves.  Seriously, grow up.  I cannot keep wearing myself out for people who aren't even somewhat grateful.  It's ridiculous.

On the upside, what a freaking beautiful day!  Seriously, warm and breezy, no rain, no weirdness.  Just lovely.  Sadly, I think the rain rolls in tomorrow.  Maybe not.  We shall see.  It would have been nice to enjoy it more, but there's this term paper... Yeah, good times.

So what have you been doing this weekend?  Tell me all of the wonderful things!

April Fools

I have been working on being more positive.  I had noticed that I was really crabby.  Always.  Everything ticks me off.  Feeling like I'm about to explode all of the time just isn't something that I actually enjoy.  Hence the trying to be more positive.

You know, when you struggle with depression, being positive can really suck.  I often feel like I'm faking my way through life.  Don't get me wrong, on my good days it makes a huge difference in my attitude.  I even feel lighter because I'm mire cheerful.  But on those days when I struggle just to get out of bed, being positive makes me a little stabby.  I don't want to say that it makes things worse, but it almost does.  Somewhat like it's one more thing that I have to get done, and on those days, it's just almost impossible.  Am I the only one?

I've been taking cbd oil for migraines.  The general bonus is that it helps with my depression and anxiety.  Most of the time.  I'm having break through issues.  Those suck.  It's doubts creeping in, and worthless feelings.  Nobody else seems to understand, and they just tell me to pretend I'm happy.  Not actually helpful.  I am a bit afraid because I'm getting very good at hiding how I actually feel.  One day I'm going to explode.  That won't be good for anybody.  I know this will pass, but sheesh.  Why does it even have to visit? 

It has been 12 years to the day since my mom passed away.  I still don't miss her.  She didn't like me much, and in turn I didn't much like her.  I was pregnant when she died, so I had all of the appropriate emotions (because hormones).  Since then - nothing.  My life has actually been far less stressful.  I can't tell this to anybody.  They never really got to experience the woman who called DCFS and said I was practicing Satanic rituals on my kids.  (The guy was great.  He had to come out because she called, but all he really did was sit in my living room drinking coffee and talking about how old my cat was). She called me and told me that I had to get a divorce because it was what she wanted (I was 32).  She was just horrid to me, and when she passed, I no longer had to worry about what she would do to me next.  To be fair, after I moved out of state we got along MUCH better, but it was too little to late.  I'll make sure Dad is okay, and I'll show sympathy to my family, but I can't mourn her being gone. 

On the bright side, it's beautiful outside.  Hopefully we are done with the cold weather.  It actually feels like spring, and that makes me happy.

Have a good one!