April Fools

I have been working on being more positive.  I had noticed that I was really crabby.  Always.  Everything ticks me off.  Feeling like I'm about to explode all of the time just isn't something that I actually enjoy.  Hence the trying to be more positive.

You know, when you struggle with depression, being positive can really suck.  I often feel like I'm faking my way through life.  Don't get me wrong, on my good days it makes a huge difference in my attitude.  I even feel lighter because I'm mire cheerful.  But on those days when I struggle just to get out of bed, being positive makes me a little stabby.  I don't want to say that it makes things worse, but it almost does.  Somewhat like it's one more thing that I have to get done, and on those days, it's just almost impossible.  Am I the only one?

I've been taking cbd oil for migraines.  The general bonus is that it helps with my depression and anxiety.  Most of the time.  I'm having break through issues.  Those suck.  It's doubts creeping in, and worthless feelings.  Nobody else seems to understand, and they just tell me to pretend I'm happy.  Not actually helpful.  I am a bit afraid because I'm getting very good at hiding how I actually feel.  One day I'm going to explode.  That won't be good for anybody.  I know this will pass, but sheesh.  Why does it even have to visit? 

It has been 12 years to the day since my mom passed away.  I still don't miss her.  She didn't like me much, and in turn I didn't much like her.  I was pregnant when she died, so I had all of the appropriate emotions (because hormones).  Since then - nothing.  My life has actually been far less stressful.  I can't tell this to anybody.  They never really got to experience the woman who called DCFS and said I was practicing Satanic rituals on my kids.  (The guy was great.  He had to come out because she called, but all he really did was sit in my living room drinking coffee and talking about how old my cat was). She called me and told me that I had to get a divorce because it was what she wanted (I was 32).  She was just horrid to me, and when she passed, I no longer had to worry about what she would do to me next.  To be fair, after I moved out of state we got along MUCH better, but it was too little to late.  I'll make sure Dad is okay, and I'll show sympathy to my family, but I can't mourn her being gone. 

On the bright side, it's beautiful outside.  Hopefully we are done with the cold weather.  It actually feels like spring, and that makes me happy.

Have a good one!