So Very Tired

Yeah, I took a couple of days.  Nothing was really going on, and I was so sleepy.  There was nothing of value to add here, therefore I didn't.  Not that this post is magic, or anything.

Fall has really set in for the weekend.  I heard it was going to be in the 80s next week, so that should mess with me.  Allergies are driving us all nuts.  What do you use for them?  We have tried pretty much every single over the counter allergy medication they sell with no luck.  I feel bad for Aidan, because she seems really, really miserable most of the time.  I guess I should see if her insurance does allergy testing.  I don't think it does, but you never know.

Sarah got her new glasses today.  She was so excited because this year they are purple.  I don't know how she doesn't go crazy with how huge the stems are, though.  My thin little stems make me nuts because I can see them out of the corner of my eye.  The ones she has are as wide as my thumb!

All of this devoted time to 1st Tech team better pan out.  Yes older child, I'm glaring at YOU!  Actually, I'm not.  The fact that Sophia has managed to find a club that she enjoys is awesome.  She's one of the drivers for her team robot, so that's cool.  Maybe she'll defuse bombs for the military.  Probably just put myself on some watch list, but whatever.  (Hey FBI guy, I would like some apple cider donuts.  Just so you know.)  I like that she's doing some STEM stuff.  I think she just like robots.

Who goes to the farmers market to get freaking popcorn?  Well, that would be my children.  At $1 a bag, I didn't see a problem with it.  Local grown popcorn kernels.  They can't wait to pop it.  What is it with kids and being hypnotized by the pop of the corn?  Hmmmm, popcorn.

Best places to find a life partner that isn't something like Tinder - GO!  Seriously, it should not be this hard.  I know people that find others with zero issues.  Granted, they usually aren't for life, but at this point I'm not being picky.  All I ever wanted was a real family.  I've got the kids, the life partner, not so much.  If you know anybody, or have any ideas, hit me up.  Help a gal out, would you?  I'm not that picky.  Wait, maybe?  I dunno, we'll see.

If anything actually, you know, happens today, I'll add more later.  Or not.  You'll have to check back to see!  Have a great day.

Itchy and Scratchy

Oh my but I itch.  My chest is freaking on fire with the itching.  I can't even really scratch because, and this is weird, I can't feel it.  The itch I can feel, but the scratch part is not registering with me.  Much like my back (shoulder blades) hurts, but if I touch it I can't feel the touch.  I imagine it's a deep level feeling - the nerve endings and such.  Freaky.

Eye appointments are kind of done.  Older teenage child can still have her contact lens exam and a trial pair of lenses for roughly $60.  I don't think that it's a bad deal at all.  There are a few perks of being poor.  I have 3 weeks to make up my mind, so no rush.

Hopefully I can get back to work soon.  I'm still sore, but I think that work might actually help with that.  Mentally I need it, too.  Everybody needs something to look forward to doing.  Seeing people and having conversation is nice, as well.  I don't think I need to mention how nice it is to make money, as well.  Thankfully I have a profession that I enjoy, so work hasn't become a drudgery.  Hopefully it always stays that way.  Especially since there are so many things that I'd like to learn and do!

I'm still sleeping a lot.  I can't tell if it's because I'm healing, or if it's because I'm bored.  My thought goes to both.  There is also a bit of fear when I'm awake.  I worry that I'm damaging the healing stuff.  This is crazy, and I'm aware that it's crazy.  Movement (within reason) makes the blood flow.  The blood flow helps with the healing because circulation is essential.  I know the logistics of the whole thing, but my brain often plays tricks on me.  Time to beat back that demon.

It's not a secret that I suffer from depression.  There are times that I do fairly well.  Then there are times, like the last couple of months, where I'm in a serious funk.  No, that actually takes away from what I'm actually going through.  I'm in a bad depression.  Yes, I have medication that I take daily.  It helps, but my doctor and I both feel that I need to not be a zombie.  Not even close to that.  I need to work through stuff, but I cannot be swamped by it.  Sadly, my last surgery put me over the swamped ledge.  I'm struggling to the other side, no worries on that.  It just blows hard.

I'm not trying to be a downer.  Seriously, I'm not.  I've been bothered by a rash of "remember that somebody always has it worse" posts on facebook.  This has actually seemed to set me back.  Never buy in with that sentiment.  It negates your feelings, and how you feel is valid.  I don't care how petty it feels to somebody else.  You have every right to feel low, sad, down, upset about what is going on in your life.  I find it hard to believe that only one person on this earth has the worst life ever.  Whatever you are going through, that may be the worst thing ever - for you.  Hell, it might not be.  You are allowed to feel what you feel.  I know that I don't believe I can tell those closest to me about anything I'm going through simply because I've heard this.  Can't tell if they are trying to make me feel better, but it doesn't.  Because of this, I tell nobody anything.  I keep it to myself, because they've already told me that they don't want to hear it.  Sad, really.  Anyway, I'm telling you to go ahead and own those feelings.  If you need to get it off of your chest, feel free to tell me about it.  I don't mind.  Really, I don't.  Depression sucks, and nobody should feel alone in it.

I want to travel the world.  I have two or three places that I really want to see.  Have any of you traveled? Where did you go?  Tell me about it!

Have a great evening.

Wednesday

It's perfect outside.  About 50 F, clear sky, beautiful.  I love sweatshirt/flannel weather.  This is my jam, I swear.  Any colder than this and I'll complain, but this is clearly what I need.  Fall is the best. 

Everybody keeps talking about the colds/flu that they are seeing going through the schools.  I've heard that it's supposed to be a nasty year for it.  With that in mind, I went and bought a white sage smudge stick.  The last time I was smudged I had a bad reaction.  It was an instant migraine.  Migraines are the worst for me.  I've been getting them since I was 12, and I would rather not induce one if at all possible.  That being said, I also dislike the flu, and things that resemble the flu.  Sage smudging is supposed to get rid of the germs.

The smudge did not give me a headache, which actually shocked me.  Usually anything like that will.  The smell didn't linger all that long, but you could still smell something several hours later.  The quality of sleep that everybody is getting is worth the cost of the smudge stick.  Seriously, who knew that it would help us all sleep?  I honestly can't say if it's working on the germs, but the smell of teenage feet is gone, and again with the sleep thing.  Yeah, I'll be getting more.  Nicely, you can reuse the stick over and over, so it is price savvy. 

Went to my older teens high school for a parent thing last night.  That was fun.  Her high school rocks, let me tell you.  It's a classical education set up, and it really is working for us.  There are only about 16 kids in the entire school at the moment, but it is so amazing that I don't even care.  She loves it, too.  Seriously, how many teens love their high school?  Hopefully this continues, because this place is an answer to our prayers.  I'll have to write up something about this place.  It's amazing.

For the past month or so the city has been working on my street.  First they redid the water pipes leading to all of the houses.  Now it looks as if they are redoing the sidewalks, only they aren't.  It's the street next to the sidewalks?  All I know is that the sound of them digging up the concrete is awful.  It makes my entire body hurt.  I will be so happy when they are done.  Beep, beep, beep.  Shut up!

I'm still healing, so I may just go take a nap.  Not like I need it.  Slept for 9 hours last night.  Crazy.  I'm going to say that three surgeries for this year has been more than my body wanted to bounce back quickly from, so maybe the nap is needed.  I've got nothing else going on, so I may as well!

Have a great day, and remember to be thankful for something!

Oh, and Another Thing

I went to the local health food place and picked up a sage smudge stick.  I can't really open my windows because 1) they have half screens, and the top tends to slide down, letting in all of the bugs 2) if I forget to close them, the neighborhood can come and rob my house.  So, let's just say that the windows stay closed most of the time.  White sage has been known to clean air.  Plus, with three kids living in one bedroom, the smell of feet and funk is huge.  

In the past I've had some nasty reactions to sage smudge.  I'm thinking it was cheap sage, and/or mixed with something ick.  I went into this smudging thinking it might just cause me a huge migraine, as it has in the past.  Color me pleased that it did not.  It smelled nice, too.  The girls hate it, but they aren't paying the rent.  The foot smell is much, much lower, and it actually smells nice in here.  I may have to do this quarterly.  More often if somebody gets sick.  Yet another thing in my defense against the germs.

A friend said something about a lower than normal amount of elderberries this year.  I still buy my elderberry stuff from the store, but she makes her own.  I keep meaning to do the same, but to be honest, I never remember to do it.  Yes, that is one reason for the smudge stick.  Maybe next year there will be a better crop, and I can make all of the syrups.

Well, goodnight ladies and gents.  I hope that your night is going well, and all of your dreams are pleasant ones.

Questioning Myself

You know that little voice in your head that tells you not to do stuff?  The one that is almost always correct, but that we all tend to ignore?  Well, I heard that voice today.  I told myself that the tape that's left from my surgery is just hanging there.  It would be totally okay to remove it.  Even the doctor had said it was fine.  Should have listened to the voice.

The tape came off just fine.  Something like five pieces, but they didn't get stuck or anything.  What was underneath was horrifying.  It looks all messed up.  This was supposed to make me look decent, not like Frankenstein's monster.  Yet here I am.  Yes, I cried.  Yes, I'm fighting tears right now.  It's awful. 

Not only am I questioning removing the tape, but why the hell did I have this surgery?  This side was done to make it look similar to the other side.  Nope.  Jacked up.  Now I don't know what to do.  I'm sure that the doctor will tell me to give it time.  Maybe the tape had things pushed around in an odd way.  This is so not what I wanted. 

The next question is, why am I even this upset?  Nobody is looking at it but me.  It isn't like there is a significant other to be horrified.  Though maybe if I had one, they could convince me that this would work out.  Yes, I regret this.  Hopefully that will change as everything heals more, but for now, I regret it.  I know it's selfish, but I don't care.  Life has sucked this year, and I was hoping for one thing to go right.  This was not it.

Two of the girls had their eye exams today.  They took forever.  It was stupid slow.  Oh well, two down, one to go.  Older girl child wants to discuss contact lenses.  I'm good with that.  Need to find out if insurance covers it or not, but I think she's ready.  I can't even believe that we are at this stage.  They all need to stop growing up!

Where the Heck is September Going?

I cannot believe how fast September has flown.  I know it's because we are so busy, but sheesh!  Slowing down would be wonderful, but no.  That would be the easy way, wouldn't it?  Time does not need to be the freak that it is.  Slow down!

I bought a fitness tracker yesterday.  The stupid thing recorded almost a mile of activity while I was sleeping.  Do you think that means that I thrash around a lot?  My sister says she knows people that gain miles with their tracker sitting by a fan.  Hmmmm.  I was amused when it registered 12 calories burned from making coffee.  Who knew?

The tape on the left side of my chest is beginning to come off.  It would be nice if it were gone as it itches like crazy.  Thing is, I have this irrational belief that the steri strip is what's keeping everything together.  I also saw the scar under the tape.  Yeah, I had a good cry over that.  It looks awful.  I know that it shouldn't be a worry, but honestly it bothers me.  Nobody else is going to see these scars, but I know they are there.  Yet another "reason" that I feel I can't date.  Good times.

Start at the Beginning

Okay, so I guess I'll do a quick review of this year.  It's been extremely craptastic.  While my life isn't impossibly difficult, there is so much that just keeps popping up.  It's never a dull moment, that's for sure.  In reality, I wish it were.  I could use a bit of a break.  I'm getting ahead of myself, I think.  Let me try to explain for those in the cheap seats.

Back in February I made an appointment to see my primary doctor.  Well, NP, but that's okay.  Anyway, I went in because I've had a breast lump for, and I'm not kidding here, 22 years.  It was now past their "it's just a cyst, let's keep an eye on it stage".  The thing was huge, and it was starting to get in the way.  It also hurt.  I'm thinking not a cysts.

So the NP freaked on me and called in a referring doctor.  He also freaked, though he tried to hide it a bit better.  I had to go get a mammogram the following day.  Do not put it off, go get it done.  You know, doctors not hiding shock well doesn't sit well with me.  They sent me home, where I got a call for my appointment the following day.

When I went in for the mammogram, I got the same damn shocked looks from everybody.  Then they wanted to know why I hadn't seen anybody.  Um, 17 doctors, 3 hospitals, 7 clinics, several NP and PAs.  Every single one said it was nothing to worry about.  Just cysts.  Why?  Don't ask that question.  They freak out.

So I had to also have an ultrasound because dense breast tissue doesn't give up it's secrets very easily.  They all had this look like aliens were going to pop out of my chest at any moment.  Not reassuring at all, let me tell you.

I needed to come back in a week for a core biopsy.  The fricken doctor looked me in the face and told me it was cancer, and that he was almost 100% positive that it had spread.  Have a nice day, see you next week.  Then he walked out of the room and left me to go home.  No support.  Nothing. 

To say that I had a total breakdown would be putting it mildly.  I was having constant panic attacks.  I didn't sleep or eat for five days/four nights.  My primary called to see how I was doing.  She didn't like at all how I sounded, so she had me come in.  I left her office with all of the feel good medications.  She thought that I needed to calm my mind so that I could get some sleep.  She was right, of course, but it was easier said than done.

I went back for my core biopsy.  It wasn't that bad, but by that time I was in a haze.  I don't know if I was feeling anything at all.  Thankfully the place I went does their labs quickly.  I got my results the next day.  I had to go back in for the results, which in my mind told me that it was bad.  Especially since the doctor had told me that he was still positive that it was cancer. 

If I were given a free pass to punch somebody dead in the face, it would be that doctor.  He pulled me into a back room at the clinic.  With him was a councilor to discuss whatever with me.  Again said doctor looked me in the face and told me that I did not, in fact, have cancer.  I had what is called a phyllodes tumor.  They are less than 1% of all breast abnormalities, and it was most likely not cancerous, since those are rare (I've since learned not so rare to have a malignant for of phyllodes).  These things grow like a crazy thing, and I needed to have it out, like now.  DO NOT put it off. 

They had so much support for me telling me this, but not when he kept telling me it was cancer.  Bastard.  Anyway, they hooked me up with a surgeon so that I could get the ball rolling.  That has been my life this year.  Surgeries and tumors (mine turned out to be borderline - characteristics of both benign and malignant, which is pretty common).  Did I mention my tumor was 14 cm?  That's a big damn tumor.  I've had a unilateral mastectomy with reconstruction and a lift and reduction on the other side.  This is my current one that I'm healing from (had that surgery a week and a half ago).  By the way, it sucks bad.  People that do one plastic surgery after another are insane.

While I'm beyond thrilled that I did not have cancer, and I'm very glad it wasn't cancer that had spread, I'm emotionally and mentally worn out just the same.  I'm not sure that I can take even one more thing going wrong at this point.  Depression is a real thing.  So is PTSD from all of these doctor visits and surgeries.  Did I mention that I have to go once a month to have my blood tested for anemia?  Yeah, they insist that I'm bleeding from somewhere, even though I've been scoped up and down and they can't find anything.  I also had surgery to fix a hiatal hernia and GERD.  I'm done.  Sadly, I don't actually think that I am.  Hopefully for this year, anyway.

Today was the first day that I've actually felt a little decent in a long time.  I itch like crazy, though.  I hate that healing itch.  It's awful.  Still, I didn't really hurt, and I like that.  Every day should get better, right?  Please say yes. 

So, how is everybody else doing today?  Hopefully you are feeling the love of he universe, and doing well.

Seriously, It Sucks

It's the middle of the night.  As you can see, I'm awake.  It's been one hell of a crappy year, and I'm ready to be done with it.  I'm not in a great place, so I thought I'd maybe go back to keeping a blog.  I've been told that nobody reads them.  Screw that!  I'm tired of being told where I'm going wrong in my life by people that make up stats for their own enjoyment.  Yup, I'm crabby.

I just wanted to say a quick hello, since I'm going to start this again.  I'll do a proper "first" post later.  Maybe I'll even have non crabby stuff to put out there.  Yeah, that made me laugh.

Anyway, I'm not really that big of a downer.  I've just had an awful lot of crap go down this year (I'll explain in my next post), and I'm a little bitter.  This will pass, but because it's me, new crap will come along and take it's place.  I actually do have a good life, basically.  I can promise that some of the WTF that goes on will make you laugh, cry, snort your coffee, or make you feel like you've got it really good.  I aim to please, ya know.  

Sit back, grab a coffee, and let's see what happens!  Feel free to reply to my posts.  I enjoy hearing how others are doing.