Okay, so I guess I'll do a quick review of this year. It's been extremely craptastic. While my life isn't impossibly difficult, there is so much that just keeps popping up. It's never a dull moment, that's for sure. In reality, I wish it were. I could use a bit of a break. I'm getting ahead of myself, I think. Let me try to explain for those in the cheap seats.
Back in February I made an appointment to see my primary doctor. Well, NP, but that's okay. Anyway, I went in because I've had a breast lump for, and I'm not kidding here, 22 years. It was now past their "it's just a cyst, let's keep an eye on it stage". The thing was huge, and it was starting to get in the way. It also hurt. I'm thinking not a cysts.
So the NP freaked on me and called in a referring doctor. He also freaked, though he tried to hide it a bit better. I had to go get a mammogram the following day. Do not put it off, go get it done. You know, doctors not hiding shock well doesn't sit well with me. They sent me home, where I got a call for my appointment the following day.
When I went in for the mammogram, I got the same damn shocked looks from everybody. Then they wanted to know why I hadn't seen anybody. Um, 17 doctors, 3 hospitals, 7 clinics, several NP and PAs. Every single one said it was nothing to worry about. Just cysts. Why? Don't ask that question. They freak out.
So I had to also have an ultrasound because dense breast tissue doesn't give up it's secrets very easily. They all had this look like aliens were going to pop out of my chest at any moment. Not reassuring at all, let me tell you.
I needed to come back in a week for a core biopsy. The fricken doctor looked me in the face and told me it was cancer, and that he was almost 100% positive that it had spread. Have a nice day, see you next week. Then he walked out of the room and left me to go home. No support. Nothing.
To say that I had a total breakdown would be putting it mildly. I was having constant panic attacks. I didn't sleep or eat for five days/four nights. My primary called to see how I was doing. She didn't like at all how I sounded, so she had me come in. I left her office with all of the feel good medications. She thought that I needed to calm my mind so that I could get some sleep. She was right, of course, but it was easier said than done.
I went back for my core biopsy. It wasn't that bad, but by that time I was in a haze. I don't know if I was feeling anything at all. Thankfully the place I went does their labs quickly. I got my results the next day. I had to go back in for the results, which in my mind told me that it was bad. Especially since the doctor had told me that he was still positive that it was cancer.
If I were given a free pass to punch somebody dead in the face, it would be that doctor. He pulled me into a back room at the clinic. With him was a councilor to discuss whatever with me. Again said doctor looked me in the face and told me that I did not, in fact, have cancer. I had what is called a phyllodes tumor. They are less than 1% of all breast abnormalities, and it was most likely not cancerous, since those are rare (I've since learned not so rare to have a malignant for of phyllodes). These things grow like a crazy thing, and I needed to have it out, like now. DO NOT put it off.
They had so much support for me telling me this, but not when he kept telling me it was cancer. Bastard. Anyway, they hooked me up with a surgeon so that I could get the ball rolling. That has been my life this year. Surgeries and tumors (mine turned out to be borderline - characteristics of both benign and malignant, which is pretty common). Did I mention my tumor was 14 cm? That's a big damn tumor. I've had a unilateral mastectomy with reconstruction and a lift and reduction on the other side. This is my current one that I'm healing from (had that surgery a week and a half ago). By the way, it sucks bad. People that do one plastic surgery after another are insane.
While I'm beyond thrilled that I did not have cancer, and I'm very glad it wasn't cancer that had spread, I'm emotionally and mentally worn out just the same. I'm not sure that I can take even one more thing going wrong at this point. Depression is a real thing. So is PTSD from all of these doctor visits and surgeries. Did I mention that I have to go once a month to have my blood tested for anemia? Yeah, they insist that I'm bleeding from somewhere, even though I've been scoped up and down and they can't find anything. I also had surgery to fix a hiatal hernia and GERD. I'm done. Sadly, I don't actually think that I am. Hopefully for this year, anyway.
Today was the first day that I've actually felt a little decent in a long time. I itch like crazy, though. I hate that healing itch. It's awful. Still, I didn't really hurt, and I like that. Every day should get better, right? Please say yes.
So, how is everybody else doing today? Hopefully you are feeling the love of he universe, and doing well.
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