So Not Okay

I've always heard peoe talking about somethibg hurting so bad that they throw up from it.  The thought if that level of pain freaked me out, and I've had babies.  Anyway, I'm at this point with my back pain.  Thing is, the pain isn't at a level that I thought it be for this.  It's constant and evil.  Trust me when I say ut hurts a lot, but to lose my stomach?  I wonder why it happens.  I could see if it was a sudden pain, but this is not.  It is very deep in my core, though.  Hmmm. Nothing helps, either.  Not muscle relaxers.  Not pain pills.  PT is making it so much worse, too.

I think it's going to snow.  I'm over winter.  Ugh.

Physical Therapy

I had my first physical therapy appointment today.  This was the first time anybody has actually oistened when I talked about my pain.  He said I already knew most of it, do he just gave me the rest of the information needed to figure this out.  I have at home stuff I have to do, which isn't hard at all.  Hopefully I'll feel better soon.

It's snowing.  It can stop.  They say it will continue through to Saturday.  Not cool, Illinois.  I have a road trip planned.  This needs to stop.  It's certainly pretty, but I don't want to drive in it.  So far it looks like the roads have been plowed and salted.  We'll see if they keep it up.  Experience tells me no.  Prove me wrong!

My bqck is screaming.  Seriously, the PT is going to make me cry.  I get that it's just pain fron working the areas, but ouch.  Hopefully I can power through.

I want somebody to come make me something yummy for dinner.  I'm lazy and I don't want to cook.  Maybe I'll just go pick up a lasagna or something.  Steak would be good, but it's too expensive.  Crab legs?  No, again, too much.  I need another job to buy decadent foods.

Getting Angry

My GP doesn't believe me.  I saw her yesterday.  My back/chest/joint pain isn't any better.  She looked at me and sighed.  You could tell she thought I was, at best, exaggerating.  No, no I'm not.  She offered me physical therapy for 6 weeks.  Sure, lets see if this helps.  Hopefully it will, because I'm tired of crying until I'm exhausted enough to sleep through the pain.

I'm going to Kansas this weekend.  My sister got tickets to see George Strait, so yay!  The drive might kill me, but I'm determined to go.  I've stopped doing fun things, and that's just sad.  Anyway, I'm excited to do this.

Hey, snow, go away!  Seriously, go away.  I'm over it.  Christmas would have been fine.  It's most of the way through January.  Stop it.  I'm not all about the white stuff.  Not even a little bit.  Still need that vacation home.  Anybody need a sugar baby?

So Cold

It is so damn cold outside.  I really hate the cold.  It's currently 9 degrees.  That's just too cold for my old self.  I hear it might get warmer later in the week.  Is it sad that I'm looking forward to 30?  It feels like a heatwave.

I took the 14 year old to the doctor today.  She's got yhis freaky rash all over her torso.  They tested her for strep.  Rapid test says no, but that could change tomorrow.  The nurse practitioner had no idea what it was.  She has some neds because some spots look infected, but other than that, we are on a wait and see.  It's freaking me out, really.  No fever, and it doean't itch or anything.  Only my kid.

I have a doctor appointment myself in the am.  I'm really hoping that this doctor starts taking me seriously.  The pain I'm in is getting out of control.  I'm not doing anything I want because of the pain.  It's getting hard to do the things I have to do.  That just can't be good.  How do I get yhem to pay attention?  It's so very frustrating.

The 15 year old had her play rhis weekend.  HUGE success.  Seriously, it was so good.  Now to rest for about 2 seconds beforw the next play.  Oy!

Yikes

I'm being attacked by my own hair.  The building I'm working in this morning is so full of static that my hairbis standing out.  It's starting to attack my face, which is rather unpleasant.  It's like little fingers of annoying.  Similar to having a sibling attached to your head.  It keeps touching me, and touching it back makes it so much worse.  Ah, winter in the Midwest.

I give up trying to figure out just what my body is doing.  I'm in pain all of the time, but that isn't even my issue.  Well, it is, but not really.  My issue is that, without doing anything different, I'm suddenly in can't function pain.  Sleeping hurts.  Then I wake up and boom, back to basically the low level again.  I'll be honest, it feels like I might be ina fight club, but I haven't done anything.  My bed is rather new (got it last July). I'm not doing anything physical outside of work, and even that is slower than normal the last month and a half.  I don't get it.  Doctor says (and has said since last May) that there is nothing wrong.  What the hell?  This really has got to stop.  

My 15 year old has her school play this weekend.  It is mandatory for all but the freshman class.  I've never seen a more tired looking group of kids.  The play is looking good, though.  I'm doing hair and makeup (like I do for all of my kids plays).  The entire process is fun on some twisted level.  I don't enjoy getting home at 10:30 every night, but still, good times.  The girl child is enjoying herself, and that's what counts.

Winter has decided to visit us.  Isn't that nice?  It snowed last Saturday, now it's planning on snowing tomorrow.  No!  Christmas is over.  The white stuff isn't needed anymore.  Heck, I could handle that if it would just be warmer than 17 degrees!  I need a winter home.

Wow

The winter weather this year has been less rhan winter like.  I haven't worn anything but a light jacket through the majority of it.  That certainly changed on Friday.  Okay, it was still pretty warm on Friday, but that actually didn't help us.  

The rain came at us hard.  I think we got 3 inches, which isn't a ton really, but it was enough.  You see, after the rain fell, the temperature started to drop.  The city insisted they were ready with salt trucks/snow plows.  We had no idea how much of anything we qould get as the forecast changed constantly.  Took yhe 14 year old to take high school placement tests 8n the am.  It wasn't bad.  Chilly and wet, but not bad.  Picked her up for cheer, temps haf dropped.  Then it started snowing.

When this city says they are ready, what they really mean is they are inside drinking hot chocolate and watching Frozen.  They were NOT on anybof the major roads that I had to be on.  Teen girl had her last 7/8 grade dance.  It was not cancelled, and I couldn't not take her.  It was an exercise in terror.  Interstate (in town) road, not salted, not plowed.  Snow route road, not salted, not plowed.  I slid a lot.  I got stuck spinning my tires.  Picki g her up was better, they had done something to the interstate road.  The snow route was a joke.  Somebody plowed 4 blocks of it.  Four blocks.  On one side.  We made it home in one piece, so I'm happy.  Still, they need to look up what prepared actually means.

I know that we need the snow/rain.  Drought is bad.  But I'm good if the snow and cold temperatures don't really come back.  The Midwest is really the wrong place for me to live.  It wasn't so baf in Colorado.  Then again, I didn't have wind blowing off of a body of water, either.  I wonder if moving is in my budget...

Good News, Same News

No iron this round!  Yay!  Seriously. I still have lumps in my veins from the last infusion.  I do have to keep going back every 3 months.  That's fine.  I'm hoping eventually my body will stop trying to kill me.  

I still hurt, but the level is down considerably.  The desire to jump up and down and get excited is there, but I'd probably hurt myself in the process.  Creating more pain would be a very bad idea.  So in my gead I'm celebrating.  On the outside I can't help but wonder how long it will last.

We are in for rain, wind, snow, cold temps, warm temps, junk weather.  Maybe.  They don't realky know, and that scares me just a little bit.  Don't weather people enjoy throwing out some sort of prediction?  What's up with keeping it close?  Or is it the Apocalypse?  And me without plans.  LoL. Hopefully whatever it does is short lived.  Heck, send half of it to Australia.  They need the rain. 

Anybody else still have their Christmas tree up?  We generally wait until January 6, and then the week got in the way.  Part of my issue is where to put it.  I really don't have any room for it.  The tree does need to come down, though.  It's pathetic, I'm aware 

I'm so tired, but I don't want to lie down.  I'd like to stay up all day.  That usually foesn't work out, but I would like to at least try.  As long as there is no falling asleep while driving, we're good, right?

Enjoy your Friday!  Don't float away, or blow away, or get iced over, or any other weirdness like that.  Stay safe, make some memories!

Huh

New day, new set of things to think on.  As I've discussed before, I deal with some rather nasty pain in the daily.  Today was no different.  Went to mass this morning, like I do every Thursday.  Prayed like a crazy person for healing/relief/anything that would get rid of, or at least limit, this horrid pain.  I mean, at about 10 months of this, I'm done.  I don't know how some people deal with it.

Anyway, I left mass and headed to work.  Ibuprofen was on the menu.  I know, I know, but if I don't work, I don't get paid.  I have kids.  Well, I took a lot of ibuprofen this morning.  More than is recommended, though not the amount they might give you in the hospital.  Anyway, eventually the pain started to go away.  Oddly (though I'm just trying to go with it because I'll cry if it changes) breathing doesn't hurt.  My back doesn't hurt.  My shoulder and hand don't hurt.  Ache, yes.  I get that.  I worked today.  I took that ibuprofen at 9:30 this morning.  It's 12:30 am right now.  Should be out if my system.  If the pain stays away I'll be beyond excited.

So let me ask you, was it prayer?  Maybe the ibuprofen triggered something?  Luck?  Did my pain run it's course?  Do I care at this point?  The answer to that last one is no.  I will thank God because I am a believer.  No matter what the reasoning, it was in His plan.  I just hope that it's gone for good.

Tomorrow (today, really.  It is after midnight) I go see my blood guy.  Not sure what may or may not be going on with my iron, but I'll know tomorrow.  I've been getting iron i fusions for over a year.  You'd think they'd try to figure out why my stores of iron keep tanking.  Nope.  They keep insisting that I'm bleeding from somewhere (I'm not.  I've been scoped from one end to the other). Thank goodness for the infusions.  Wish they actually made me feel better. 

I'm still very down about life right now.  I'm exhausted.  I've been in constant pain.  Nobody listens to me when I say something is wrong.  I'm just beyond worn out.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Happy New Year

2020.  When I was young, and I mean really young, 2020 seemed like an eternity away.  It was a time that I never expected to reach, because "the future".  Here it is.  I find myself wondering what people 100 years from now will think of us.  Will it be with the same fascination that we see 1920?  I doubt it, but you really never can tell.

I slid into this new year pretty much like any other day.  I honestly just didn't care.  That sounds awful, but it is a sad truth.  2019 sucked, and I just didn't care about 2020.  To be honest, I still don't.  I know, bad attitude.  Don't care.

I'm in pain.  I'm can't pinpoint exactly when it started, but I can ballpark it around April or May of last year.  I know for sure by nid May.  My ribcage hurts.  I can't take a deep breath without pain.  Pulmonary function test says nothing is wrong with my lungs.  Didn't think there was, but always good to know.  The pulmonary guy gave me some exercises to do.  They made everything so very much worse.  I have been coughing since November - when I saw that guy.  The sad thing is, because if the pain, I can't really cough.  It's just this pathetic... I don't even know what.  Sneezing is out of the question.  The ladt time I actually sneezed I about threw up and passed out.  The pain is ungodly.

What kind if pain is it?  Well, shoulders, ribs, under my scapula.  Lower/mid back, hips, arms, neck.  Did I mention the under arm rash?  I can't sleep.  I've stopped doing thibgs I want to do.  It's too painful, and wears ne out. I'm wondering how much longer I can do what I have to do.  

Scale of 1-10?  No idea how to answer that.  If I were new to it, and woke up this morning with this pain, I would be totally unable to function.  As I've been living with it, who knows.  7?  8?  Maybe. It bothers ne all of the time.  I never know when it will crop up.  I take Ibuprofen, but it don't really do much.  Sometimes it helps a bit, sometimes not.  It can't be good for me, so I switch it up with Excedrin. It works about as well.  I wake up in pain, go to bed in pain.  I had some steroids for some funk last fall.  That was actually helpful for a lot of my lower back and hip pain.  Sadly, the prescription ended, and the pain returned.

I need my primary care to start taking me seriously on this.  It's insane how my quality of life - my desire to do anything, realky - has tanked.  I can't di this.

So this is my current reality.  Pain.  All of the time.  I had two weeks off to rest.  I hurt the same as before my break.  I was so hoping to feel better with rest.  Nope.  Sucks.

Hopefully you are doing better!  Happy New Year.

I Just Don't Know

August is almost over.  I'm really not sure where it went.  It seemed like it was going along at a reasonable rate.  I was keeping track very nicely.  Next thing I knew it had vanished.  Seriously, life just kind of imploded on me.  Now it's almost September, and I have absolutely zero to show for it.  What the heck?

The technology experiment is still going well.  The kids had tablets and such for Saturday and part of Sunday.  The transformation was almost immediate.  I had to get on them about being short with one another.  The yelling started back up.  Yeah, I'm not a fan.  It would seem that they have zero patience for much of anything when they are on the internet or playing games.  After they got back from hanging with their dad (I had already taken the tablets away by then), they were much better. 

Honestly, if I could simply say no to the use of any of it at all, I would.  They do need the computer for some of their homework, and to research and whatnot.  I don't know.  The people living in my home are so much more fun and light hearted without the gadgets.  It's almost as if technology puts a weight on them that they don't have when not using it.  Example:  homework with technology in the room becomes soooooo much more drama filled.  Without it, there has been laughter involved.  I don't get it.  I'm going to continue with this experiment, but so far I am really enjoying the results.

It was gross today.  All rainy and humid.  Not horrible, but still gross.  I made soup.  Chicken noodle.  It was very chickeny.  Seriously, it was yum.  The kids enjoyed it.  Even the one that never seems to eat anything (I caught her eating cosmic brownie in the pantry, which irritated me a bit) at some of it.  Could be because I told her that she had to eat some of it.  I dunno.  It made me happy.  And the older one has enough to take for lunch tomorrow.  Always a bonus.  It isn't quite cool enough out to be thinking of those lovely stick to your ribs meals just yet.  Soon.  Yes, soon.

As the days start getting shorter, and the temps start to drop, what are some of your go to recipes for dinner?  I have an Instant Pot, so I can use that.  I also have a crock pot, but the IP seems to do the same thing.  I'm really not big on messing up my oven, so try to avoid splattery things in there.  Share those recipes!!

Experiment

My kids are like every other kid in the free world.  They have tablets, cell phones, computers.  They never seem to make true eye contact.  I get a lot of mumbled replies to questions, and I see a lot of the tops of their heads.  It's frustrating.

Last school year they would get lost while doing homework.  By lost, I mean that something that should take half an hour would take two or more hours to complete.  Turned out they were playing online.  Go figure.  This year I decided that would change.

School started this past Monday.  As my kids are all junior high and high school, they all have homework.  On Sunday they had to hand me all of the technology.  All of it.  The very helpful part was that neither school (junior high and high schools) allow cells use during school hours.  They have to be turned off and put away.  The junior high even added 3 new phones to the hallways in case kids needed to call home after school or practice.  They don't need the technology for math - they all are required to have actual calculators. 

This has probably been one of the best things I've ever done.  Well, so far, anyway.  The homework is actually getting finished.  I think the longest amount of time has been an hour, and that was because the high schooler didn't do her summer reading, so she had to finish a book.  All work is actually finished and turn in ready, which is a miracle all in itself.  They are required, by me, to keep a planner, and show me said planner on the daily.  I've had meaningful conversation with my kids.  There is joking, laughter, and kept bedtimes.  No looking at things until the wee hours.  It's amazing.

I will allow them to have some time Saturday to play on the technology if they want to catch up with friends or whatever.  My hope is that they won't be on it for long because it either doesn't hold their interest, or it hurts their eyes-head-neck.  I'm doubting that, but you never know.  The stuff will come back to me Sunday, and we will start over again.  I would really like for them to start interacting with their world in a positive way.  With luck, maybe they can spread that to their friends.  I grew up without this stuff, and enjoyed myself creatively outside of my inner bubble.  Maybe that's part of the issue with people these days.  I don't know, but it's worth the effort to try.

Did I mention that this has been one of the most seamless transitions back to school?  It's scary, really.

Have a great one!

Time Got Away

I'm a bad blogger.  I have every intention of posting on the regular.  What happens after I tell myself that is beyond me.  You'd think it would be an easy thing.  Especially since I enjoy talking to myself, which is what a blog is.  So here I am, trying again.  There will be no promises this time, but I will try.  Not that I think anybody is actually reading this, but you never can tell.  Put a comment if you are, though.  I'd love to hear from you!

Summer went by way fast.  As in I was just making plans to do something, and realized that school starts on Monday.  What the hell?  My teens were involved in summer theater, and that made the entire months of June and July slip by.  We also moved, so that messed with the timeline.  By the time I had a chance to catch my breath it was August!  I slept in for the first time this summer just two weeks ago.  That is NOT okay.  Now I have to get up at the ass crack because I have to drive my kids to school.  Oy.

I made the choice to seriously step out of my comfort zone.  Not that I don't get forced to do that all of the time, but this time I made the effort.  Two things changed. 

    One:  We lived in the ghetto.  Seriously.  I'm not even kidding when I say there were shootings in my neighborhood, often behind my home, at least three times a week.  We lived in constant high alert.  I started having panic attacks.  The problem is that it was familiar.  I hate moving, and at least this was an evil that I knew.  The panic was too much, and I found us an apartment in a safe area.  My only issue was that rent was much higher, and I was adding utility bills (those had been covered before).  I wasn't sure how this would pan out, but it did.  Even with my lower income and working for myself.  Add that I didn't work even half of last year because of health.  I still was approved and we left the Bluff.  I sleep pretty deep at night.  It's glorious.

    Two:  I want/need to bring in more income.  I need a place to do massage that is safe.  I could do it out of my home, but I don't want strangers around my kids.  Plus, it's my happy place.  I don't really want to mix work and home like that.  I could travel out to my clients homes.  A lot of therapists do this.  It's legit, but it's not that safe.  You have to be very picky about it.  I can't control the environment at someone else's place.  Pets, setup space, etc.  I'm not fond of the idea. 

             Well, a friend of mine told me about a space in the mall that rents out desks, conference rooms, and the like.  I finally went in and talked to the lady that owns it.  She's got perfect places for me to rent for a good price.  I'm really excited about this.  This could be a total game changer for me.  My first goal is to not need any of my child support to live.  Eventually that will go away, and I don't want to need it.  Second, I'd like to be able to save money for fun things.  To do either of these goals, I need more income.  This step should totally get me to that place.  Yay for goals, and yay for pushing myself to actually do it.  I'm actually pretty excited about this part of my future.

That's the latest scoop on me.  School starts for the kids on Monday, and I am unprepared.  We have everything but shoes for the 13 year old.  To be fair, she kept saying she had shoes.  She can't find them.  We need lunch stuff for the 15 year old since her school doesn't have meals.  Uniforms are bought, school supplies are bought.  We actually are ready.  I don't want to get up at 6:30!  Nooooooo.  Eh, I'll live.

Your turn to tell me what's up in your world!

What The Heck

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mastectomy.  Last year I was hopped up on pain meds, thankful that my tumor wasn't an aggressive cancer.  So what did I do to celebrate?  I had two teeth removed.  Once again I was hopped up on pain meds.   I really know how to party, let me tell you.

It's amazing how much damage my health issues, stacked with stress, have caused to my mouth.  GERD/reflux destroyed my back teeth.  Sadly, I've had some crappy dentists, so they always took a "wait and see" approach.  That doesn't exactly work with teeth.  There is no healing going to happen where cavities are concerned.  I imagine there is no money in fixing things early on.  So now I again try to fix it.  It's great that they can actually save a lot of my teeth.  I thought I would lose a lot more than two.  Next week starts extensive fillings.  Again, good times.  Hopefully I'll be able to eat one day. 

The 15 and 13 year olds are going to be in a summer production of The Music Man.  They are very excited about it.  Especially since it's also an acting workshop.  They'll learn how to do auditions in a better way.  With luck it will help them to get actual parts in future productions.  If nothing else, they get to hang with some friends.

What are your summer plans?  I need ideas of things to do with the kids.  Preferably nothing too expensive.  Give me some ideas!

Have a great Thursday!

Okay

"How can you let them go?  My ex is awful, I wouldn't 'make' my kids go over there.  I can't believe you let them go."  Really?  Maybe because I love my kids.  My kids love their dad.  I let them see him as often as is possible for them and him.  He's just being a dad.  There is no evil going on.  They hang out.  Sometimes they play board games.  I more often than not get pictures of them all (including said father) having a good time doing this or that.  Guess what?  It also gives me a break, making me a better mom. 

My ex husband and I are adults.  We put our kids first.  A good chunk of the time I am over there, too.  Our visitation decree is no longer enforceable since we've both moved out of that state and not done anything in the new one.  Are we worried?  Nope.  Again, grown ups.  The kids come first.  I get that some parents are abusive.  That's a whole different situation.  If you simple don't like your ex, or you're hella bitter, get over yourself.  It's so much less stressful to just roll with it.  I have full custody of my kids.  The only time they haven't been able to see their dad is during illness, bad weather, or there was something important going on.  My kids are better off because of our arrangement, and we are happier parents.  Go figure.

I'm sad about the burning of Notre Dame.  I had a friend get bitchy because people of money donated a bunch for restoration.  He thinks insurance and the Pope should cover it, and that money should go to the poor.  Well, okay.  Nobody made them donate.  They decided it was a worthy cause.  I don't however, believe that the money should be side tracked for the poor.  For two reasons, actually.  1) that isn't where the donator wanted the money to go.  Pretty sure wealthy people already help the poor.  2) donations like that rarely actually go to said poor.  The only way to be sure that happens is to physically hand it to a poor person.  I don't see said friend doing that.  So, should I ever win the lottery, I'll donate in his name rather than give him any.  That's what is right, right?  I don't believe that you should tell people where their money has to go just because they have more than you do.  And yes, they actually DO pay their "fair share" in taxes.  They get the same right offs that everybody else gets.  Their tax bracket is higher.  They also put way mire money into the economy.  Stop being angry about your lack and do something about it. 

What are the signs of past stroke?  I am having serious memory issues as of late.  It's really starting to scare me a little.  Grasping for words.  I've also noticed that on my worst memory days I wake up exceptionally exhausted.  Not really sleepy, just exhausted.  Maybe I'm stressed.  I don't think things are any more hectic than normal.  This is when I wish my primary care person gave a damn.  I've learned recently that, having had a borderline cancerous tumor removed, I should have had a full body scan to make sure it hadn't spread.  Those borderline ones are sneaky bastards.  Good times, right?  Ugh.

The weather is back to warm, so I'm happy.  Soon it will be hot, and I'm not good with that.  Hence me enjoying this while I can.  Yay! 

So what is everybody doing for Easter?  Staying safe and...?  Let me know!

Sheesh

Never let the Universe know you are in a hurry.  Seriously.  Don't do it.  Ever.  Know how I know?  Let's see, I was running 10 minutes late for work.  The phone rang.  It was CancerCare wanting to set up my 6 month blood work and doctor visit.  In JULY.  Okay.  Made that appointment (and darn, I'll have to take a day off of work because I added it to a day with other appointments) and take off out the door.  Traffic was decent, so at least there was that. I get to work and realize that I forgot my badge.  Through security I go.  Waiting in there is a charter bus full of people taking a tour of the facility.  I have to wait until they get situated.  The weird part is I still was set up and ready to go on time.  Thankfully I didn't freak, but wow.

A very dear friend of mine passed away last year.  Her house is now on the market.  Two points: 1) it's in a decent neighborhood, 2) it's tiny as hell.  My issues with it being small are short lived.  Eventually my kids will move out.  It would be perfect for me at that point.  I want to go look inside.  It has attic storage, but you never know, maybe it can be made into a bedroom.  There is also basement space.  I should just make the appointment.  What would you do? 

Happy Spring (Finally)

It has been amazingly beautiful outside. I don't say that often, as it generally to weathery outside for me.  I would love to sit and enjoy a good day, but I either get too hot or too cold.  Then there are the bugs.  Don't even get me started in what happens to me if I get in the sun.  But lately it's been enjoyable out. I wish it could stay like this.  Living in the midwest means it's going to eventually go sideways, which makes me sad.  Oh well.

I'm taking applications for a significant other.  Yeah, I'm only sort of joking about that.  I've been single almost my whole life.  Yes, I was married for 8 years, but it turns out that he was only pretending, so not really.  Anyway, I deserve to be happily coupled up.  I am ready and willing!  Send me your resume.  Or, you know, talk to me.  Whatever happened to that?  Maybe I'm just old. 

My body is not so politely telling me that I am spreading myself too thin.  My priorities have been everybody else, and I'm starting to pay for it.  So. Very. Tired.  If I could just get it through the heads of those around me that I'm not the whipping boy...  Even I couldn't get through that one.  Seriously, I'm considering running away to a secluded locale.  Just me and my bed, coffee, pajamas, and some crafts.  Wow, now I need a vacation.

Speaking of vacations, I need ideas.  The girls and I need stuff to do this summer.  I would like it to be fun but not really expensive.  That's mostly so we can do more than one thing, though I'm not against a big trip.  What have done that isn't an amusement park or water park?  I don't do roller coasters or things that put me in direct sunlight (I am so not kidding when I say it hurts me physically - instant sunburn is not my thing).  I'm thinking about a short Amtrak tour.  The train is always interesting.  Ideas, people!  I need ideas!

Well, I should get to work.  People aren't going to massage themselves.  Well, maybe, but I won't get paid for it.  Have a good one!

So Much Frustration

My oldest teen turned 15 yesterday.  That's one hell of a ball of angst, let me tell you.  She has so much attitude that I'm almost certain that the astronauts on the space station can see it. It's very difficult to live with.

Said 15 year old has decided that homework sucks.  Not so unusual.  She is, therefore, not going to do it.  I know, that isn't really all that unusual, either.  Since like November.  I had to sit in a two hour school meeting over this.  Not a happy mom at all.  So this term paper rough draft is due tomorrow.  She had to do a bibliography that took her several hours.  She also has to have five quotes in there.  After something like six hours, she has 1.  I told her to come back to the quotes, start the paper.  It's been 3 1/2 hours and she has something like two paragraphs.  Out of an 8 page paper.  I just don't get it.  There are no learning issues to deal with, so that isn't it.  The teen just simply doesn't want to do it.  I hate to inform her highness, but it has yo be done by tomorrow.  She blew it off, so that's on her.  Why am I so stressed about it?

I have taken on way too much crap.  There are so many people in my life that are taking advantage of me. It just isn't doable anymore.  Seriously, it's taking a toll on my mental and physical health.  I'm having panic attacks worrying about who will want me to do something more for them.  These grown ass adults need to learn how to take care of themselves.  Seriously, grow up.  I cannot keep wearing myself out for people who aren't even somewhat grateful.  It's ridiculous.

On the upside, what a freaking beautiful day!  Seriously, warm and breezy, no rain, no weirdness.  Just lovely.  Sadly, I think the rain rolls in tomorrow.  Maybe not.  We shall see.  It would have been nice to enjoy it more, but there's this term paper... Yeah, good times.

So what have you been doing this weekend?  Tell me all of the wonderful things!

April Fools

I have been working on being more positive.  I had noticed that I was really crabby.  Always.  Everything ticks me off.  Feeling like I'm about to explode all of the time just isn't something that I actually enjoy.  Hence the trying to be more positive.

You know, when you struggle with depression, being positive can really suck.  I often feel like I'm faking my way through life.  Don't get me wrong, on my good days it makes a huge difference in my attitude.  I even feel lighter because I'm mire cheerful.  But on those days when I struggle just to get out of bed, being positive makes me a little stabby.  I don't want to say that it makes things worse, but it almost does.  Somewhat like it's one more thing that I have to get done, and on those days, it's just almost impossible.  Am I the only one?

I've been taking cbd oil for migraines.  The general bonus is that it helps with my depression and anxiety.  Most of the time.  I'm having break through issues.  Those suck.  It's doubts creeping in, and worthless feelings.  Nobody else seems to understand, and they just tell me to pretend I'm happy.  Not actually helpful.  I am a bit afraid because I'm getting very good at hiding how I actually feel.  One day I'm going to explode.  That won't be good for anybody.  I know this will pass, but sheesh.  Why does it even have to visit? 

It has been 12 years to the day since my mom passed away.  I still don't miss her.  She didn't like me much, and in turn I didn't much like her.  I was pregnant when she died, so I had all of the appropriate emotions (because hormones).  Since then - nothing.  My life has actually been far less stressful.  I can't tell this to anybody.  They never really got to experience the woman who called DCFS and said I was practicing Satanic rituals on my kids.  (The guy was great.  He had to come out because she called, but all he really did was sit in my living room drinking coffee and talking about how old my cat was). She called me and told me that I had to get a divorce because it was what she wanted (I was 32).  She was just horrid to me, and when she passed, I no longer had to worry about what she would do to me next.  To be fair, after I moved out of state we got along MUCH better, but it was too little to late.  I'll make sure Dad is okay, and I'll show sympathy to my family, but I can't mourn her being gone. 

On the bright side, it's beautiful outside.  Hopefully we are done with the cold weather.  It actually feels like spring, and that makes me happy.

Have a good one!

Crazy

This winter kicked my ass.  Seriously, it was so cold and gross.  Yeah, I realize that it waited until winter was almost over to even tet, but still.  So cold.  Negative 50 (wind chills) shouldn't even be a thing.  Spring hasn't felt that much better.  Yes, it's gotten warmer, but there is still an arctic chill in that constant breeze.  I really need to find a more temperate climate.  Then it would be something else, like the sand in my undies.  I can't win!

Last month I finally joined everybody in buying an Instant Pot.  I've only used it three times, but wow.  If you use the right liquid, it totally pulls that up into your meat and veg.  So tasty.  My dad, in his more mature years, is having chewing issues.  This allows me to get a more tender meat (from not the best choices) for him.  He can actually eat it, but it isn't over cooked much for the rest of us.  I need to try something chicken.  I want to do breasts, but I'm actually leaning more to the pot pie side.  Dad likes dumplings, but wet bread is so nit my thing.  Do any of you have an amazing recipe you'd be willing to share?  Is it me, or is anybody else a little sad that it actually doesn't save that much time?  In the end, yes.  I made a roast that took 2 hours instead of 6 to 8 in the crock pot, but I was led to believe everything was half an hour or less.  Maybe I make complicated things?  I don't think so.

The 14 year old turns 15 in like a week.  She has learners permit on the brain.  We did have a talk about how she would get nothing if she can't get her grades up.  What is with kids just giving up at about 8th grade?  I know it isn't just mine.  The frustration on my part is real, let me tell you.  Oh, did I mention that her school doesn't offer drivers ed?  I'm gonna have to pay for her to take classroom.  Not really looking forward to that.  Good times.  She needs to get those grades up for her car insurance.  (Yup, this literaly just came to mind) I am not all about high rates.  Damn kids!

Huh

Have you ever blinked and several months went POOF?  Yeah, that happened to me.  I swear it was something like November just last week.  While I'm happy to be done with the winter of discontent, I'm a little bummed that it all sped by so quickly.  I'm not thrilled with the thought that I'm losing time like crazy.  When I was (much) younger it all seemed to drag.  I never believed anybody that said that when I got older, it would get speedy.  Believe it.  Seriously, they are not kidding.  Not even a little bit.  So weird.  It just makes me feel like I'm not quite living my life.  Like I'm missing chunks of it, and I don't enjoy that at all.

I also think I'm writing a blog that nobody will see.  Are you all out there?  Let me know!  I know that I have vanished in the past.  Sorry about that.  I'm feeling this need to get back to my writing.  Even if it is my weird ramblings.  I know that watching a train wreck is almost irresistible.  Well, hold on to your hats!  I'm a living train wreck.  Okay, that isn't quite true, but I do tend to see some weird and unusual stuff.  Let's discuss that. 

All this to say that I'm back to the blog.  Writing is a wonderful thing, and I enjoy it.  Let's see if I can make this worth your while.

We are theatre people in my household.  That is to say, we enjoy being in plays.  I did it in grade and high school.  My adult years have not really panned out time wise for it.  I hope to change that soon.  My children, however, are all about being on the stage.  That being said, every year they participate in their school spring musical.  It's a huge deal, and really well done (think community theatre only done by grade school kids).  We just finished with this years production, and I'm tapped.  Seriously, It wipes me out, and yet I go back for more.  There are daily practices for the kids, but I do makeup for this motley crew.  So much fun is had, though.  Do any of you do anything like that?  What are the current plays that everybody seems to be doing?  I'm trying to guess what they might do next year (Frozen has already been vetoed).  I have no clue what everybody else is even doing, though.  Can't wait to see!

Fish fry tomorrow!  Our church does it up really well.  They have more than just fish, too.  I always get the fried butterfly shrimp.  So good.  The kids like the cheese pizza.  My 14 year old liked to get frog legs, but they haven't offered it a couple of years.  She's bummed.  Anyway, it's worth going, even if it is a giant pain to get through.  A multitude of hungry people in a small space.  They also rent out a bouncy castle for the littles.  Pandemonium!  Still a good time.

Let's see, what else.  I think that might be it for right now.  If you can imagine.  I'm still buying lottery tickets.  I WILL win that multi million dollar pot.  (No worries, I only buy at most two tickets).  Anybody else gonna get rich?

Well, I'd love to know that you are still reading.  Comment me a note!

Have a good one!